"I was a mess. I suffered from infantile paralysis, and women would look at me only long enough to laugh. However, after a course of Mrs. Frucht's Tonic, I can dance like a champion."

Josh Rasmussen, South Boston, MA

"I was a junkie and my career was on the rocks. I started shooting up with Mrs. Frucht's Tonic, and suddenly 'chasing the dragon' seemed like a lot less fun than collecting Hummels."

Lou Reed, New York, NY

"Mrs. Francis Frucht's Tonic kept me in the NBA until I was 43 years old. Tonic, and lots of dope."

Robert Parish, Shreveport, LA

"I had an I.Q. of 46 and my daily project was not to mess myself. Mom started me on a Frucht's Tonic regimen, and now I'm bright enough to be a marina janitor."

Lisa Mellon, San Francisco, CA